Mario 128

Mario 128 debuted at E3 2000 to much fanfare. After all, Super Mario 64 was a huge system seller for the N64 and a ground-breaking 3D platformer, long considered one of the best, if not the best, platformer ever created. Since that infamous day on September 29, 1996, a day long remembered for anyone who seriously calls themselves a “gamer” (I do, I know exactly where I was and what I did that day), those who are the “Rescuers of Princess Peach” have been waiting for their next assignment.

Then on that spring day in L.A. in May of 2000, Nintendo unveiled a tech demo for their new Project Dolphin, the follow-up console to the N64 which eventually became the Gamecube. The footage of the tech demo included the likes of Nintendo mainstays Metroid, Zelda, and one which will haunt me until the end of my existence, which showed 128 polygonal Marios scuttling about a nicely convex surface branded with the Gamecube logo. This was cleverly labeled Mario 128, and geeks across the globe instantly got their suspenders in a bunch.

Well, geeks, I hate to break it to you, but Mario 128 is a lot like that Swedish supermodel girlfriend of yours you keep telling everyone about. In other words, it ain’t real.

The “128″ could symbolize many things. It could be an obvious nod to the 128 Marios running around. Or to the fact that the Gamecube is a 128-bit system (whether this is technically true I’ll leave for discussion). Or it could just mean Super Mario 64 x2 = 128. Either way, it was just a bunch of freaking 700-poly Marios running around the screen. This does not make a game, and if it does then I’m so looking forward to Bathtub Adventures 2 for the PS3.

Video game journalists grabbed this story like a paycheck and never let it go, looking for the existence of Mario 128 at each subsequent E3 show. Five years running, and I can’t get through a Nintendo update without some mention of the tech demo that was a no-show. If I were Shigeru Miyamoto I would cringe every time some fat, sweaty dork wearing a black printed XXL shirt with a press pass and tape recorder, emitting that scent of the gamer funk like cheese that was aged too long, posed that question. I would be insulted. And I would respond, “Mario 128 was a graphical demonstration created five years ago for the Gamecube debut. It is not a game. Do not ask me about it again.” I would go on by saying, “There has been a sequel to Super Mario 64 on a next-generation system. It was called Super Mario Sunshine, and all of you dismissed it because you were looking for 128 mindless Marios running around on the screen.”

Journalists, be careful what you wish for. And that right now is 128 non-interactive wandering Marios with a $50 price tag.